being face-to-face

sometimes i get lost in the rhythm of life:
wake up
shower/get ready
work
work
work some more
come home
play with clown baby
hang out
sleep
wake up
(begin again)

lately, i am LONGING for something outside of the routine. something that makes me feel alive. whether that's getting outside of the flow of Redding, or changing everything up and doing nothing the same than how i do it now, all i can say is that there is a yearning to do things differently.

I think when I start feeling that this, it's due to not being diligent in how I walk daily with Jesus. I get lost inside myself, become completely self-centered and self-absorbed, and in His subtle way that is full of grace and love, he reminds me that something about living dependent upon numero uno (meaning myself) is not satisfying. I need to be dependent on someone bigger than myself to give me identity, to give me joy, to give me those things that are the cries of my heart.

so, I was sitting at church this last weekend...listening to Jenna BRING IT during worship. she usually does bring it, but this time, i felt the spirit rocking in the room, rising up, and so i started praying, and oddly enough, the only prayer that felt real and felt truly necessary was "Jesus, break my heart." Sometimes, I feel like the only way for me to actually feel something is to feel too much. To be so overwhelmed by an emotion that you can't ignore any longer. (If you haven't already guessed, I think one of my biggest struggles is complacency.) So, my prayer is that Jesus would rock my world, so to speak. To jar me out of the routine, and get me to a place where I am always face-to-face with Him, living life with my best friend, doing things His way, and not always my own.

So...now, I am just waiting to see when the Lord is going to take my heart and totally transform it into something different...perhaps more tender to his voice, definately more dependent on Him.

And, for all of you blog lovers out there who think: "this girl must be technologically retarded", its true. just wait...page customization is coming. a girl only has too much time out of the sleep, work, hang out, sleep routine to put time and effort into her blogger. pray for me, that those things that are so essential to my daily survival will become my number 1 priority. (and i don't mean blog customization.)

(And, in other news, I'm going camping at Lassen this weekend. Yea for being a mountain mama.)